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Feb 14, 2012
02/12
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jon, forgive me for not being clear. >> jon: this is not fair. >> no, it is not fair. >> jon: a judge should step in. >> that's right. let me be the referee. >> jon: here's the thing. don't we have fun together? >> we do absolutely. >> jon: can i tell you what would be a hilarious movie. >> i'm ready. >> jon: you and me road trip to mexico. >> you're on. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: lou dobbs, fox business week. lou dobbs. >> jon: boom. ( cheers and applause ) that's our show, everybody. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> jon stewart, you hold it right there. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: what a pleasant spridz surprise. i was just.... >> you know why i'm here, jon. >> jon: valentine's day isn't for two weeks. >> you have something that belongs to me. >> jon: the immersion blender is for my butternut squash. you're not getting that super pac back, colbert. >> i want my unlimited money, jon. >> jon: i treat that money well. you don't understand that money. you don't know what it's like.
jon, forgive me for not being clear. >> jon: this is not fair. >> no, it is not fair. >> jon: a judge should step in. >> that's right. let me be the referee. >> jon: here's the thing. don't we have fun together? >> we do absolutely. >> jon: can i tell you what would be a hilarious movie. >> i'm ready. >> jon: you and me road trip to mexico. >> you're on. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: lou dobbs, fox business week. lou dobbs....
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(applause) >> jon: a moon base? your solution to being accused of groonsdity is give me eight years and i have have a [bleep] moon base. did you start with deathstar and got kind of reigned in? by the way mr. moon bas base-- mr. moonbase what was your problem with ron paul again? >> you look at ron paul's total record of systemic avoidance of reality, there will come a morning people won't take him as a serious person. >> jon: yeah, no, they won't, you're right, they won't. you're right, mr. moonbase they won't take ron paul seriously. and that's why i'm going make ron paul my first ambassador to moonlandia. he's out there. so what exactly are we supposed to do with this moon bass? >> when we have 13,000 americans living on the moon they can competition to become a state. >> jon: 13,000, that's not a state, that's like a condo development. that's not a state. you want to be a condo developer on the moon. you want to be like a lunar trump. and may i say this, like earth trump, you will not shall president. here's the
(applause) >> jon: a moon base? your solution to being accused of groonsdity is give me eight years and i have have a [bleep] moon base. did you start with deathstar and got kind of reigned in? by the way mr. moon bas base-- mr. moonbase what was your problem with ron paul again? >> you look at ron paul's total record of systemic avoidance of reality, there will come a morning people won't take him as a serious person. >> jon: yeah, no, they won't, you're right, they won't....
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Feb 25, 2012
02/12
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situation. >> of a bad situation. >> jon: thank you, jon olver, everybody. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) >> jon: hey, welcome back, my guest tonight, i like this fella, i like this fell a coming up. his new film is called wanderlust. >> welcome. >> thank you. >> welcome. >> hmmmm, that's italian. these grapes were grown right here in georgia, so the proper word wab delicious. >> i'm going let that go. >> let what go. >> you know what i will show you the method to my madness, okay. first, got to put on the old dangle bag, just in case. >> just in case of what. >> you know,-- . >> jon: please welcome back to the show, paul rudd. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i want to tell you something that was a wonderful gesture, today we have a group in hear, they're diabetic, and what you have done here is a travesty. >> you killed our audience. nice job. >> thanks. >> jon: what's happening? >>. >> well, i've been doing a lot of work with the slinsers, as you can see. >> jon: can i tell you something and respectfully again to the audience this bowl has been i
situation. >> of a bad situation. >> jon: thank you, jon olver, everybody. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) >> jon: hey, welcome back, my guest tonight, i like this fella, i like this fell a coming up. his new film is called wanderlust. >> welcome. >> thank you. >> welcome. >> hmmmm, that's italian. these grapes were grown right here in georgia, so the proper word wab delicious. >> i'm going let that go. >> let what go. >>...
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Feb 28, 2012
02/12
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>> not in a million years, jon. i'm on tv! >> jon: very nice. >> look, take it from me, kids. drop out of school and you get to be on tv. >> jon: no, no. that's the wrong... so, what do you say to this whole college is just a liberal indoctrination center where barack obama is making students in his image. >> it's all true, jon. check this out. this is me three years ago. ( applause ) >> jon: that does not look like you. >> it definitely is me. i used to be a sweet, innocent church going girl who believed volcanos happened when the devil has hick cups. then i went to college, and they exposed me to new ideas. literature, philosophy, something called science. and by the end of sophomore year, i was a black girl. >> jon: it was all true. >> it's absolutely true. if i would have stayed one more year, i would have looked like this. >> jon: jessica, you know, i went to college and that didn't happen to me. >> yeah, you're super old and you went to school like 60 years ago. they probably remade you into jimmy carter's image. >> jon: oh, my god. peanuts. where did these come from? wa
>> not in a million years, jon. i'm on tv! >> jon: very nice. >> look, take it from me, kids. drop out of school and you get to be on tv. >> jon: no, no. that's the wrong... so, what do you say to this whole college is just a liberal indoctrination center where barack obama is making students in his image. >> it's all true, jon. check this out. this is me three years ago. ( applause ) >> jon: that does not look like you. >> it definitely is me. i used...
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Feb 17, 2012
02/12
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[bleep] up jon. look, they even had their own uniforms. >> jon: okay. you know what is surpass being that picture, gyms are very drafty and you would have think they what have had longer sleeves because jews traditionally very prone to colds. >> this is how it happens. jewish basketball players were replaced by gentiles then us and unless we do something quick, now it's going to be asians. >> jon: but what can you do. >> jon, don't worry, i may have a solution. pretty sure this whole asian basketball invasion might be revenge for a kneel degrass tyson. >> jon: the astrophysicist. >> exactly. >> what was he thinking, science, that's asian turf. but, i have confered with the black community and we're officially asking mr. tyson to stop it. don't worry, jon, he'll be fine. we'll put him in a sitcom, make him a funny, yeah, make him a funny dad on bet. he'll make 40 times the money, i'm telling you. just give us back the rock. we'll call it eblin. >> jon: larry wilmore, ah, welcome to hotels.com. i get i
[bleep] up jon. look, they even had their own uniforms. >> jon: okay. you know what is surpass being that picture, gyms are very drafty and you would have think they what have had longer sleeves because jews traditionally very prone to colds. >> this is how it happens. jewish basketball players were replaced by gentiles then us and unless we do something quick, now it's going to be asians. >> jon: but what can you do. >> jon, don't worry, i may have a solution. pretty...
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Feb 15, 2012
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or... >> jon: no, no. i think tasteful porn panda would work early on but it's the same way with us. in the old days you'd find a sears catalog with a picture of a bra and you'd go "i'm gonna (bleep) off for days. " now it really is... at least for me it's not pandas (bleep)ing it's nothing for me. >> you go in there and go "you got something else?" you might want to look at that. raccoons, everything. (laughter). >> jon: let me ask you this. what is this? because i don't... and this is... i'm not going to put it out there and say i'm a big aficionado of the sexual arts but i've been masturbating for a long time... (laughter). i don't know what this is. >> that wasn't me saying i've got a hug girth and that's how i masturbate. >> jon: so is this you holding a rack dismoon. >> yes! (laughter) >> jon: okay, i'm fine. i'm fine with that. (cheers and applause). >> jon: let the record state.. >> no, it wasn't me raping a raccoon. i wasn't raping it! it was consensual sex with the raccoon. but i was a panda so i
or... >> jon: no, no. i think tasteful porn panda would work early on but it's the same way with us. in the old days you'd find a sears catalog with a picture of a bra and you'd go "i'm gonna (bleep) off for days. " now it really is... at least for me it's not pandas (bleep)ing it's nothing for me. >> you go in there and go "you got something else?" you might want to look at that. raccoons, everything. (laughter). >> jon: let me ask you this. what is this?...
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Feb 10, 2012
02/12
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. >> jon: this "moneyball." you have two films nominated for best picture, yes. >> yes, this and "tree of life." >> jon: but you are nominated as an actor in "moneyball." >> that's correct. >> jon: so we can talk about "moneyball" and not "tree of life" because i don't know what it was about. i've seen it five times and i'm honing in on what it is about. >> let's do "moneyball." >> jon: this movie was not going to be made. what made you stay with us? >> we developed-- to develop a story that has economics and science, saber metrics at the front, is a difficult endeavor, so it took us a long time, i think, to get it right. but it was the story of this small-market team that found the game unfair. they could not compete. they couldn't buy the talent. >> jon: they didn't have the money. >> and if they developed the talent it was poached by the rich teams so what were they going to do to challenge them. they began questioning 150 years of baseball knowledge and started with the question, just because we've been doin
. >> jon: this "moneyball." you have two films nominated for best picture, yes. >> yes, this and "tree of life." >> jon: but you are nominated as an actor in "moneyball." >> that's correct. >> jon: so we can talk about "moneyball" and not "tree of life" because i don't know what it was about. i've seen it five times and i'm honing in on what it is about. >> let's do "moneyball." >> jon: this...
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Feb 21, 2012
02/12
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i'm just going say something here. >> jon: jason jones. >> i think it's good for women. >> jon: how so? >> i just think it's good for them. it's what i think. >> jon: all right. >> what? >> jon: but birth control oftentimes has medical benefits beyond contraception. the pill can be a treatment for ovarian sifts. >> whoa, whoa, whoa, please, jon. let's not sully a perfectly pleasant conversation about what is good for women with talk of lady parts. >> absolutely. >> i believe their female reproductive system is governed by.... >> jon: the point is, why are condoms in the health care bill in the first place? they're not a medication. you don't have to swallow two everyday with meals to stave off flu. >> i'm not fallingú]maé9ñ that again. no, sir. >> that was best christmas party ever. got you. cheers. >> okay. excuse me. you guys don't get to decide whether contraception is part of preventive health care. experts have established that it is. >> yikes. looks like it's high tide again. >> excuse me. >> i made a cat noise implying you're currently going through emotional volatility kn
i'm just going say something here. >> jon: jason jones. >> i think it's good for women. >> jon: how so? >> i just think it's good for them. it's what i think. >> jon: all right. >> what? >> jon: but birth control oftentimes has medical benefits beyond contraception. the pill can be a treatment for ovarian sifts. >> whoa, whoa, whoa, please, jon. let's not sully a perfectly pleasant conversation about what is good for women with talk of lady parts....
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Feb 13, 2012
02/12
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my name is jon stewart. oh, what a show tonight. my guest-- it's going to be a good one-- my guest, jonathan macey, a professor at yale law school, yale business school, and yale's preschool. very busy. law ( laughter ) first i want to take a moment to talk to you about pandering. i mean, sure, it may look easy, as easy as the giants winning the super bowl this sunday. ( cheers and applause ). pander, and that didn't work. i got booed in my own studio. it can be surprisingly tricky. for instance, right now, newt gingrich in florida is trying to win over hispanic voteres, a task made much more difficult by the fact before he ran for president, newt gingrich said things like this. >> we should replace bilingual education with immersion in english so they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto. ( booing ) ( laughter ) >> jon: you know, you're not at "who's line is it anyway?" ( laughter ) to be fair, newt gingrich didn't know when he said that, that he was going to need hispanic people to like him. ( l
my name is jon stewart. oh, what a show tonight. my guest-- it's going to be a good one-- my guest, jonathan macey, a professor at yale law school, yale business school, and yale's preschool. very busy. law ( laughter ) first i want to take a moment to talk to you about pandering. i mean, sure, it may look easy, as easy as the giants winning the super bowl this sunday. ( cheers and applause ). pander, and that didn't work. i got booed in my own studio. it can be surprisingly tricky. for...
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Feb 16, 2012
02/12
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight representative louise slaughter will be here via satellite. satellite. that's right, space. (laughter) ooh. happy oh my god yesterday was valentine's day (bleep). (laughter) that's the day when you remember that yesterday was valentine's day. and now you're alone. (laughter) let's begin tonight with the state of our capital market. i know you've been getting a lot of requests on the show to do more capital markets bits. they've been through a bit of a rough patch. reputations have suffered. not least of which due to a rash of insider trading. we know insider trading is bad. why else would john cryer's dead brother have gone to jail in that '80s movie. you know, the movie about... wall street. i can't remember the name of that movie. but whatever it was. it happens all the time and it was not tolerated. >> goldman sachs technology analyst is reported under investigation by federal authorities for leaking inside information to hedge funds. >> jon: good! (laughter) i'm g
(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight representative louise slaughter will be here via satellite. satellite. that's right, space. (laughter) ooh. happy oh my god yesterday was valentine's day (bleep). (laughter) that's the day when you remember that yesterday was valentine's day. and now you're alone. (laughter) let's begin tonight with the state of our capital market. i know you've been getting a lot of requests on...
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Feb 29, 2012
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my same in jon stewart. we have -- my name is jon stewart. we have a good show for you tonight. seestephen merchant will be on e show tonight. when his partner ricky gervais was here we had a refined conversation with raccoon and panda sex so don't know what we'll talk about tonight. but you may want to leave the room when we do. i'm going to say romney won arizona handelly but the big result was michigan where all four candidates were defeated by a late surprise entrance the schitcy when from i understand he made impressive promises. >> when you order the schitky you get the little one. >> jon: it's a populous message that resonates in the difficult yet schmootzy times. romney kept putting his foot in the mouth he hired sew own mouth doesn't get feet in it and santorum released a robo call telling democratic voters to vote for him since michigan's republican party is open to all voters and mitt romney didn't care for the tactic. >> outrageous and disgusting. it's a new low in this campaign. i think rick santorum has a lot of explaining to do. >> jon: you've got a lot of splaini
my same in jon stewart. we have -- my name is jon stewart. we have a good show for you tonight. seestephen merchant will be on e show tonight. when his partner ricky gervais was here we had a refined conversation with raccoon and panda sex so don't know what we'll talk about tonight. but you may want to leave the room when we do. i'm going to say romney won arizona handelly but the big result was michigan where all four candidates were defeated by a late surprise entrance the schitcy when from...
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we've got one tonight, our guest tonight dr. david agus, author of a new book, the end of illness. me, being able to talk to a doctor for free. (laughter) i was going keep him here and he'll be like are we still on tv, yeah, sure we're still on tv. anyway, i am going to begin tonight with a little confession. 1978 i killed a man done dr -- no, i'm sorry. a little confession. the race for the republican nomination for president has been very interesting. some fine debate, dramatic story lines. but for me, there's been an emptiness, something missing for quite some time now from the race, a mogul-shaped hole in my heart. and then this morning. >> donald trump expected to make a major announcement about the presidential race, just hours from now in las vegas. (laughter) >> jon: thank god! i haven't been this happy to see an orange face again since the end of finding themo. i mean oh! what's the donald going to announce? what do you think it's going to be. a back in the race? what is he i
(cheers and applause) >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we've got one tonight, our guest tonight dr. david agus, author of a new book, the end of illness. me, being able to talk to a doctor for free. (laughter) i was going keep him here and he'll be like are we still on tv, yeah, sure we're still on tv. anyway, i am going to begin tonight with a little confession. 1978 i killed a man done dr -- no, i'm sorry. a little confession. the race for the republican...
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jon, forgive me for not being clear. >> jon: this is not fair. >> no, it is not fair. >> jon: a judge should step in. >> that's right. let me be the referee. >> jon: here's the thing. don't we have fun together? >> we do absolutely. >> jon: can i tell you what would be a hilarious movie. >> i'm ready. >> jon: you and me road trip to mexico. >> you're on. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: lou dobbs, fox business week. lou dobbs. ah, welcome to hotels.com. i get it...guys weekend. yeah! if you're looking for a place to get together, you came to the right place. because here at hotels.com, we're only about hotels. yeah! yeah! noooo. yeah! finding you the perfect place is all we do. welcome to hotels.com what do when you combine the home depot with this weekend? the cure for cabin fever. because with... get-it-done savings on everything we need... ...we can turn this weekend into a fresh floor... ...or an updated bathroom... ...or a brand new look. so let's hit those orange aisles - and make today the day - we make a big difference - no matter how big our budget. more saving. more doing. th
jon, forgive me for not being clear. >> jon: this is not fair. >> no, it is not fair. >> jon: a judge should step in. >> that's right. let me be the referee. >> jon: here's the thing. don't we have fun together? >> we do absolutely. >> jon: can i tell you what would be a hilarious movie. >> i'm ready. >> jon: you and me road trip to mexico. >> you're on. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: lou dobbs, fox business week. lou dobbs. ah,...
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Feb 22, 2012
02/12
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is jon stewart. this is... this tonight will be a good episode of our program. how good? former three-term wisconsin senator russ feingold good. (cheers and applause) feingold, jerry, feingold. we begin tonight in new jersey where i was very proud last friday to say that the state legislature, the state where i grew up voted to legalize gay marriage. (cheers and applause) unfortunately, like most events in new jersey, it was immediately thrown off course by a loud italian guy. >> a bill legalizing same-sex marriage approved by the new jersey legislature has been vetoed by christie. >> i believe that the institution of marriage as it's traditionally known is between one man and one woman and that it should stay that way in new jersey. (boos). >> jon: in n new jersey... hey, pipe it down! (laughter) in new jersey we believe marriage should be as it always was intended between one indicted orange-faced man and a woman with high bangs and dead eyes. (cheers and applause) chris christie... how you doing?
is jon stewart. this is... this tonight will be a good episode of our program. how good? former three-term wisconsin senator russ feingold good. (cheers and applause) feingold, jerry, feingold. we begin tonight in new jersey where i was very proud last friday to say that the state legislature, the state where i grew up voted to legalize gay marriage. (cheers and applause) unfortunately, like most events in new jersey, it was immediately thrown off course by a loud italian guy. >> a bill...
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Feb 28, 2012
02/12
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jon? >> jon: (cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight served for 18 years as a united states senator from wisconsin. his new book is called "while america sleeps: a wakeup call for the post-9/11 era." welcome back to the program russ feingold. (cheers and applause) how are you? >> very good. thanks for having me on. >> jon: the book is called "while america sleeps." it is one of the scariest bedtime stories you could ever read. (laughter) it's a children's book, am i right? pictures to come. >> absolutely. >> jon: it sort of begins 9/11 and sort of how... talks about how the government lost our minds a little bit, went into iraq, did a lot of things. as you're watching now-- and we were talking about this with the audience earlier-- do you feel us moving in that direction again with iran? and do you think... is it easy for america to bomb them since it's only really one letter off anyway? (laughter) >> there might be some confusion. the problem is after 9/11 we sort of had things right for a while. there was sort of a fe
jon? >> jon: (cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight served for 18 years as a united states senator from wisconsin. his new book is called "while america sleeps: a wakeup call for the post-9/11 era." welcome back to the program russ feingold. (cheers and applause) how are you? >> very good. thanks for having me on. >> jon: the book is called "while america sleeps." it is one of the scariest bedtime stories you could ever read....
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Feb 15, 2012
02/12
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name is jon stewart. hey, we're back! we're back. this... right now, what we're doing right now, this is not a rerun-- unless, of course, you're watching this episode five weeks from now when we get another unreasonably undeserved vacation. (laughter) so tonight we have a very cool guest, a former special agent who spent the last ten years battling al qaeda as a counterterrorism operative. it's a terrific time for you to look back on the last decade of your life and really... (laughter) reassess. i think reassess. so we're not going to dwell on the weekend sad news, we can't process that. but you know what's interesting? neither could cnn. (laughter)çó here they are breaking the sad news one person at a time. >> news just broke, it's not so good news. whitney houston has died. >> oh, my god. >> whitney houston passed away. >> she did? what >> what? >> you're kidding me. >> nope, just happened. (laughter) >> jon: deal with it, whatever. you can't just go out in the streets with a camera crew surprising p
name is jon stewart. hey, we're back! we're back. this... right now, what we're doing right now, this is not a rerun-- unless, of course, you're watching this episode five weeks from now when we get another unreasonably undeserved vacation. (laughter) so tonight we have a very cool guest, a former special agent who spent the last ten years battling al qaeda as a counterterrorism operative. it's a terrific time for you to look back on the last decade of your life and really... (laughter)...